the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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