just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The power of my boobs compel you
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
