Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
