take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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