Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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