my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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