We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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