Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
