Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Swine flu. Run for my life!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
