It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize