I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
