yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
