i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
