Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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