her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
