Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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