booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize