I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I touched a dick in church today
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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