im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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