I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
