Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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