she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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