how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
