my phone needs a breathalizer
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
