when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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