You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
