I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
