dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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