There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
