you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
