Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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