My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize