Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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