So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
