If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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