Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
