please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
