you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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