ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize