I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
even my farts smell like vagina
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
