today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize