Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
