if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
