How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
