You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
