my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
