Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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