five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm having to shit out rocks
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
