"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I need a beard to bite.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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