I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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