....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
