So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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