Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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