so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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