imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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