Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
