Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
