ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just gift wrapped bread.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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