Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
