you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
