Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
