i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
